I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
