My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
