you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
