Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
