im six kinds of drunk right now
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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