This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
