I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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