I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Is it penis luge time yet?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
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