we're chasing vodka with high fives
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
