I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
