I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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