I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
