Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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