i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
