I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
