My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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