I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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