she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
