can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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