dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
