Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
as a side note pls kill me
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
