Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
