i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
