I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
You can't motorboat a personality
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
