we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
