I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
