dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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