She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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