did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
