before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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