I just saw a hot homeless man
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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