why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
