Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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