Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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