i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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