I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Randomize