Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Randomize
