Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
