Where is the hickey?
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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