I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize