You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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