tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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