tell your sister to shave her snatch
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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