She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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