why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
