sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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