My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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