Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
