That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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