grandma shit on top of the toilet
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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