woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
