high people should be assigned attendants
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
