I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
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