My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
