I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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