my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize