Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
