Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
