i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
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