Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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