I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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