So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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