Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
