My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
