I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Randomize