absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
Swine flu. Run for my life!
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Randomize
