This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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