I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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