i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Randomize
