My first STD was from a foam party
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
